i'm me.....

Fifty Shades of Grey the trilogy. OMFG! 

I hate reading but these damn books have got me hooked & i can’t stop. I downloaded them to my iphone so i pretty much read non-stop & get all depressed when I have to drive cause then i can’t read. 

seriously if a book a can turn the biggest anti book reader into a book worm, i think it deserves some kind of prize or something. 

i’m only on book 1 but have already downloaded all 3 of them cause itunes sort of rocks & gives you samples & yeah. end of story.

ok gotta get kids ready for school so i can get back home & read til it’s time to get them!

i’m starting this thing from scratch & see if I can be a better “blogger”. 

I suck at it but i’m gonna try it anyways. 

I am feeling a lot of guilt this year & I don’t know why.  Long story short. Today is my lil big man & his twin sister’s bday. they turned 8 today & his twin passed away after birth. every year since they’ve been born, I’ve cried, but curled up in a ball & just a total basket case. Last year was easy for me to get through with only a few break downs, this year I shed a couple of tears, but haven’t lost it & have actually stayed up beat about it. focused totally on my son with the exception of getting her 8 balloons & making her a pink cupcake with the #8 candle. something I’ve been doing since their first bday. let some balloons go & light a # candle on a cupcake. normally by the time we get the balloons out i’m a sobbing mess & can’t control myself.  this year I did it all with a smile on my face.

now i’m feeling guilty for it. for not showing more emotions & being a total wreck. I always hated that saying “it gets easier with time” cause I thought it was all a bunch of bullshit that people say after any loss esp after a break up. but i’m starting to feel that over time it does get easier & it is easier. I love my lil girl to the moon & back & wish to hell she was here everyday, but in the same sense I know she’s not suffering & she’s in a better place. but shouldn’t I still be a sobbing retard mess? am I a heartless bitch for not bawling my eyes out this year? I’m guessing No, but I still feel guilty. 

Happy Birthday Lilly Ann <3 

Love,
Momma